A kinder way to be resilient

We hear a lot about resilience, particularly in the workplace. The importance of being able to cope with pressure, adapt to change, bounce back from setbacks and keep going when things get difficult. But sometimes I think we've lost sight of what resilience really means.

It can become another expectation placed on us. If we're struggling, perhaps we're not resilient enough. If we're overwhelmed, maybe we need to develop better coping strategies. And if we can't keep going, we somehow feel we've failed.

I've never been particularly comfortable with that interpretation of resilience. It places so much responsibility on individuals, without always acknowledging the pressures they're dealing with. Of course, learning how to manage stress and look after our wellbeing is important. But resilience shouldn't mean endlessly pushing ourselves, ignoring our needs or accepting situations that are damaging to our health.

I think there's another way to look at it. One that starts with understanding ourselves a little better and treating ourselves with more kindness and compassion.

When there's always something else we could be doing

I've become much more compassionate towards myself over the years. I think life experiences, getting older and perhaps a greater understanding of myself have all played a part in that. I'm far less likely to give myself a hard time when things don't go to plan, and I've learnt that being kind to myself doesn't mean I'm letting myself off the hook. But that doesn't mean those little 'shoulds' don't still creep in.

Like so many people, I'm juggling different parts of life. I run my own business, help my daughter balance work and family by looking after my grandchildren each week, and have other caring responsibilities too. All things that matter to me and that I want to give my time and energy to.

And then there's my business. I love what I do, and I'm rarely short of ideas! I'll think of a new workshop, a different way of approaching something, a blog I'd like to write or a project I'd love to develop. Some of those ideas become something wonderful. Others sit in a notebook waiting for their moment, while a few quietly disappear as another idea takes their place.

There was a time when I might have been quite hard on myself about that. I'd focus on what I hadn't achieved, the opportunities I might have missed or the things I felt I should be doing to grow my business. And occasionally, I can still find myself thinking that way. But these days I'm much more likely to pause and remind myself that my time and energy aren't limitless. I make choices about where I put them, and sometimes those choices mean that something else has to wait.

That doesn't mean I've failed or that I'm not committed enough. It means I'm human, with a life that has many different demands, responsibilities and things that bring me joy. I can still reflect on how I use my time, think about what I might do differently and recognise when I need to make changes. Perhaps I need to be more realistic about what I take on, give one idea my attention rather than chasing five, or accept that some things simply aren't a priority right now.

But I don't need to berate myself for any of that. And I think that's where self-compassion makes such a difference. It's not about making excuses or giving up on the things that matter to us. It's about recognising the reality of our lives, rather than constantly measuring ourselves against everything we think we should be doing.

After all, if a friend told me they were juggling work, grandchildren, caring responsibilities and a head full of ideas, I doubt I'd tell them they weren't doing enough. So why would I say it to myself?

The way we speak to ourselves matters

Think about how you respond when a friend or colleague is having a difficult time.

Perhaps they've made a mistake, they're struggling with something or things haven't gone to plan.

Most of us would offer some understanding. We might help them see things from another perspective, remind them that one difficult experience doesn't define them, or encourage them to think about what they could do differently next time. Yet when we're in that situation ourselves, our response can be very different.

• I should have known better.

• Why didn't I handle that differently?

• I'm just not good enough at this.

  
  

We can be incredibly harsh on ourselves, sometimes without even noticing we're doing it.

And that inner criticism can add another layer of stress to an already difficult situation.

Being compassionate towards ourselves doesn't mean pretending something hasn't happened or ignoring our part in it. It means acknowledging that we're human, that we won't always get things right and that we deserve the same understanding we'd offer someone else. Sometimes a kinder response might simply be:

• That was difficult. I'm disappointed with how it went, but what can I learn from it?

• I'm doing the best I can with what I have available at the moment. What might help me?

  
  

It's a small shift in language, but it can make a real difference to how we feel and what we do next.

Recognising when we're under pressure

Of course, self-compassion isn't just something we need when things go wrong.

It's also about recognising what happens to us when stress begins to build. We all have our own patterns. Some of us become irritable or impatient. Others withdraw, overthink, find it difficult to concentrate or become even busier, trying to get everything done.

And often we don't recognise these signs until we're already feeling overwhelmed. Stress rarely comes from just one place. Workload, uncertainty, relationships, caring responsibilities, health concerns and financial pressures can all overlap. Sometimes it's the accumulation of lots of smaller things that leaves us feeling as though we have very little left to give.

I think it's worth becoming curious about our own responses. What happens to me when I'm feeling under pressure? Do I become more critical of myself? Do I ignore the signs that I need some rest? Do I find myself saying yes when I really need to say no? And perhaps most importantly, what do I need at those times?

We can't always change what's happening around us. Some pressures need wider changes, support from others or action within our workplaces. We shouldn't be expected to simply become more resilient in order to cope with unreasonable demands. But recognising our own patterns can help us respond to ourselves with greater understanding, rather than adding to the pressure we're already experiencing.

Building resilience through kindness

When I talk about resilience, I increasingly find myself coming back to kindness and compassion. Not just kindness towards other people, although that matters enormously, but kindness towards ourselves.

Sometimes that means allowing ourselves to rest without feeling guilty. Sometimes it's recognising that we need help, setting a boundary or accepting that we can't do everything.

And sometimes it's simply noticing the way we're speaking to ourselves and choosing a different response. None of this means life will suddenly become easier, or that we won't experience stress, disappointment or difficult situations.

But perhaps resilience isn't about becoming stronger so that we can carry more and more.

Perhaps it's about understanding our limits, recognising what helps us recover and knowing that we don't have to make difficult experiences harder by being unkind to ourselves.

A few small changes to try

I'm a great believer in small changes. We don't need another long list of things we should be doing to look after ourselves. That can become yet another source of pressure. Instead, perhaps choose just one or two of these ideas to explore over the coming week.

• Notice your inner voice. When something goes wrong, pay attention to what you say to yourself. Would you speak to someone you care about in the same way?

• Pause before reacting. Particularly when something feels upsetting or uncomfortable. Give yourself time to understand what's happening before deciding how to respond.

• Get curious about your stress patterns. What are your early warning signs, and what might they be telling you about what you need?

• Give yourself permission to recover. Rest isn't something we have to earn by reaching the point of exhaustion.

• Let something wait. Not every idea, task or responsibility needs your attention today. Sometimes choosing what not to do is just as important as choosing what to do.

Perhaps we're already doing enough

I sometimes wonder how much of our stress comes not just from everything we're doing, but from the expectations we place on ourselves about what we should be doing. We live in a world that often celebrates being busy, achieving more and constantly moving forward. Even our wellbeing can become another thing to work at, another area where we feel we should be doing better.

But life isn't a never-ending list of things to achieve. There are relationships to nurture, people who need us, things we enjoy and moments when we simply need to stop.

I'm learning that not every idea has to become a project, not every opportunity needs to be taken and not every day needs to be productive. There will always be things I could have done differently or perhaps done better. And I hope I'll always be willing to reflect, learn and grow. But I don't have to be unkind to myself along the way.

Maybe that's something we could all remind ourselves of occasionally. Sometimes resilience isn't about finding the strength to do more. It's about recognising what matters, accepting our limits and allowing ourselves to be human. And perhaps, just perhaps, we're already doing enough.

Love to hear how you are showing yourself more kindness; please comment below.