What to do when we don't know what we need

Last month, I wrote about procrastination and how easily I can get caught up in thinking, researching and searching for the “right” thing rather than actually getting started.

Since then, I’ve been starting things. Saying yes to things that interest me rather than spending weeks wondering whether they are the right choice. And that has been good.

But it has also made me realise something else. Sometimes knowing what to do isn’t the difficult bit. Sometimes the difficult bit is knowing what we actually need.

I’m someone who enjoys having new ideas, getting stuck into work and making things happen. At the moment, I’m also developing a new project around grief and loss, which feels meaningful and important to me. There's a lot to think about, create, and explore, and I’m enjoying it.

But I’ve noticed how easily I can slip into doing. Organising. Planning. Researching. Answering emails. Thinking about the next thing. Finding something else that needs doing.

And sometimes I don’t notice until I’ve gone a little too far that perhaps what I actually need is to stop doing. To simply be for a while.

When you don’t quite know what’s going on

I think we can all have times when we don’t feel quite ourselves, but we can’t easily put our finger on why. Perhaps we feel restless or tired. Maybe we’re more distracted than usual, finding it difficult to concentrate or feeling as though our minds are constantly busy. Perhaps we are doing lots, but not really feeling connected to any of it. And when we feel like this, our instinct can be to try to work it out.

• What’s wrong with me?

• What do I need to change?

• Should I be exercising more? Sleeping more? Eating differently? Taking up a new hobby? Reading that book I’ve been meaning to read?

There is always another answer to search for.

I recognise this in myself because it is very similar to what I was writing about last month with procrastination. Sometimes searching for the answer can feel like doing something, even when what we really need is to pause. Perhaps we don’t always need to find the answer straight away; we need to notice what is happening first.

What has been going on underneath?

One thing I practise is being a little more curious about what might be underneath how I’m feeling, rather than immediately trying to fix it.

I might ask myself:

• What am I noticing in myself?

• What has been taking up most of my headspace recently?

• Have I been rushing?

• Have I had enough time to be quiet?

• What have I been enjoying?

• What have I been avoiding?

• Has anything changed recently?

  
  

Sometimes something becomes clearer when we stop asking, “What should I do?” and start asking, “What is actually going on for me?”

That feels particularly relevant to me at the moment because of the work I’m doing around grief and loss. I’m spending time thinking about grief, loss and the experiences that come with them. I’m reading, researching, thinking back to my own grief. Having conversations and creating something that matters to me.

And sometimes I wonder whether that is affecting me more than I realise.

Perhaps I’m simply busy and focused on a new project, or some of the stories, conversations and ideas are stirring things in me. Maybe it’s a bit of both. That can be the difficult thing; we don't always know.

We don’t always have a neat explanation for why we feel the way we do. And I think sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to understand everything before we allow ourselves to respond with kindness. But perhaps we don’t need to know straight away.

We can simply acknowledge, “Something feels a little different at the moment.” That can be enough to start with.

What if we asked a different question?

I’ve also been thinking about the questions we ask ourselves when we aren’t feeling quite right. We often ask, “What do I need to do to feel better?” But what if we asked:

What would feel kind right now?

• The answer might be to go for a walk.

• It might be to phone someone.

• It might be to get on with something we’ve been putting off because completing it would create some mental space.

• It might be to spend time with other people.

• Or it might be to do absolutely nothing for a while.

  
  

That last one can be surprisingly difficult for many. Wellbeing can feel like another thing we have to do, to achieve. Sometimes it is about creating enough space for ourselves to notice what we actually need.

For me, nature is often part of that. There is something about walking outside without needing to achieve anything that helps me step out of my head. I don’t have to work anything out while I’m walking. I can simply notice the trees, the changing seasons, the light, the sounds around me.

Sometimes I’ll come home with a clearer head. We often find answers when we are not searching, but letting our minds wander. But whatever, I’ve still had the space, and that is what is key.

Maybe we only need to make things 5% easier

I’ve also been thinking about how often we make wellbeing into another problem to solve. We want to feel better, so we look for the big answer: a new routine, a big change, a complete reset. Could we ask a smaller question: What might make today 5% easier?

• Maybe it’s going outside for ten minutes.

• Putting the phone away for an hour.

• Making a proper cup of tea and actually sitting down to drink it.

• Calling someone we enjoy talking to.

• Going to bed a little earlier.

• Doing something creative.

• Getting one thing off our list that has been taking up far too much mental space.

• Or recognising that we’ve done enough for today.

It doesn’t have to transform everything. It just needs to make things a little lighter.

Listening rather than fixing

Perhaps this is what I’m learning at the moment. I don’t always need to understand exactly what I need before I can take care of myself.

• I can notice.

• I can be curious.

• I can slow down.

• I can try something and see how it feels.

• And if it doesn’t help, I can try something else.

There is something quite freeing about not needing to get it right. Last month I wrote about taking the first step instead of endlessly searching for the perfect choice. Perhaps this month is about something slightly different: recognising that sometimes the first step isn’t doing something at all.

Sometimes it is stopping long enough to listen. And perhaps we don’t always need another answer. Sometimes we just need a little more space to hear ourselves.

After all, this wellbeing stuff is a work in progress for all of us.